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Thursday, July 29, 2010

YOU CALL YOURSELF A FILM CRITIC.....IM A FUCKING FILM CRITIC

READ THIS GARBAGE FROM
http://ireport.cnn.com/blogs/ireport-blog/2010/07/29/calling-all-film-fans---cnn-ireport-roundtable-thursdays-at-3-pm-et-with-special-guests?hpt=C2


"We’re honored this week to have two very special guests - Entertainment Weekly's Owen Gleiberman and Lisa Schwarzbaum - joining us to take your questions on film criticism. We hope you’ll be able to join us for the roundtable today at 3 p.m. ET. In the meantime, check out 10 top tips from EW's finest.

Tips from Owen:

1. Try not to go in with any expectations. Don¹t do any “research,” or read about it on the Web. Just let the movie wash over you, and take it all in.

2. Don¹t grade on a curve. Give each film the absolute honest assessment it deserves.

3. Take notes. The main reason to do so is to remember details. Write down lines of dialogue, song choices, jokes, types of automobiles, the color of wallpaper. Anything that really strikes you.

4. In writing a review, don¹t just offer a judgment; try to capture, in your review, the flavor of a movie and what’s most distinctive about it. Remember: Every movie is different. A review should capture what¹s unique about each one.

5. Ignore everyone else’s opinion but your own. A review should be a pure expression of what YOU think, not a fancy form of channeling other people¹s thoughts and feelings. It doesn¹t matter if you¹re in the majority, the minority, or even if you¹re a minority of one: What matters, above all, is your personal experience of the movie in question.

Tips from Lisa:

1. Go into every movie with an open, receptive mind: You’re writing about the movie on the screen, not the movie you wish you saw.

2. Tell your reader what you see so she or he can see it clearly too.

3. Remember you’re writing for a smart, interested reader and no one else. You¹re not writing to settle scores or to compete with other reviewers or to curry favor with filmmakers.

4. Without authoritative synthesis and analysis, a review is merely an inconsequential statement of opinion, i.e., I liked this movie or I didn¹t like that one. So do your homework and state your case.

5. See a lot of movies. Watch TV --- it¹s the daily visual record of popular culture. Then go outside and get fresh air and exercise."

My Response is OWen your a fucking pussy, What the hell does don't grade on a curve mean? Bring notes, I'm not bringing notes, who the fuck brings a notbeook to the movies? My judgements capture the flavor of the movie, if my judgement is the movie sucks, than the flavor is suckiness. I agree with your number 5, considering my opinion is fact around these here parts when it comes to movies.



Lisa shutup your an idiot. No film critic, with the exception of me, writes for a "smart" reader, nobody gives a shit what a film critic says, theyre generally the completer opposite opinions of what the general public like (normally most things I post on this blog are total bullshit but this one is true.) I do go into a movie with an "open" mind whatever the fuck that means, although if I go in expecting to see a comedy and it's not funny, then yeah I am going to be ticked off. What the fuck does "Authoritive syntheses and analysis" mean? Your number 5 is bullshit, I don't need some asshole telling me to watch tv and then go exercise what the fuck kind of tip is that.

These 2 reviewers are totally full of shit, I could bullshit 100 times better bullshit than these fuckers. Just because they have some title as "Film Critic" doesn't mean dick, I have the title "Film Critic" so my tips are fucking solid. Here are my 5 tips for "budding film critics."


1. If the movie sucks in the first thirty minutes ask for a refund, I have had to exercise this move a couple of times, once when I was roped into a Van Damme movie, god it was awful

2. The most important aspect to all movies is not the story, the special effects, or anything else that critics bullshit about so much, it is the characters and their beleivability (Acting). Mr Miyagi is one beleivable Okinawan dude, and Daniel Laruso is myself at 15, Johnny was a dick, and John Kreese was a fucking whack job who was just misunderstood. That is why Karate Kid is a great fucking movie. That is also why the New Karate Kid can never compete, could you imagine a remake of It's a Wonderful Life without Jimmy Stewart, fuck you Jackie Chan.

3. I agree with that fuckface liberal asshole Owen, that your opinion is the most important, that's why ignore all critics except mine of course which is the one true movie review language. Anytime anyone tells you "you will love it, its the best movie ever" they are always wrong, the movie sucks and my attitude towards the person who recommended such a shitty movie is "Don't ever talk to me again."

4. Don't bring 40's to the theater, it just doesn't work well.

5. Anything that stars Tim Allen or Robin Williams sucks ..... that is a fact.

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