Your author hard at work

Your author hard at work

Thursday, July 29, 2010



"We’re honored this week to have two very special guests - Entertainment Weekly's Owen Gleiberman and Lisa Schwarzbaum - joining us to take your questions on film criticism. We hope you’ll be able to join us for the roundtable today at 3 p.m. ET. In the meantime, check out 10 top tips from EW's finest.

Tips from Owen:

1. Try not to go in with any expectations. Don¹t do any “research,” or read about it on the Web. Just let the movie wash over you, and take it all in.

2. Don¹t grade on a curve. Give each film the absolute honest assessment it deserves.

3. Take notes. The main reason to do so is to remember details. Write down lines of dialogue, song choices, jokes, types of automobiles, the color of wallpaper. Anything that really strikes you.

4. In writing a review, don¹t just offer a judgment; try to capture, in your review, the flavor of a movie and what’s most distinctive about it. Remember: Every movie is different. A review should capture what¹s unique about each one.

5. Ignore everyone else’s opinion but your own. A review should be a pure expression of what YOU think, not a fancy form of channeling other people¹s thoughts and feelings. It doesn¹t matter if you¹re in the majority, the minority, or even if you¹re a minority of one: What matters, above all, is your personal experience of the movie in question.

Tips from Lisa:

1. Go into every movie with an open, receptive mind: You’re writing about the movie on the screen, not the movie you wish you saw.

2. Tell your reader what you see so she or he can see it clearly too.

3. Remember you’re writing for a smart, interested reader and no one else. You¹re not writing to settle scores or to compete with other reviewers or to curry favor with filmmakers.

4. Without authoritative synthesis and analysis, a review is merely an inconsequential statement of opinion, i.e., I liked this movie or I didn¹t like that one. So do your homework and state your case.

5. See a lot of movies. Watch TV --- it¹s the daily visual record of popular culture. Then go outside and get fresh air and exercise."

My Response is OWen your a fucking pussy, What the hell does don't grade on a curve mean? Bring notes, I'm not bringing notes, who the fuck brings a notbeook to the movies? My judgements capture the flavor of the movie, if my judgement is the movie sucks, than the flavor is suckiness. I agree with your number 5, considering my opinion is fact around these here parts when it comes to movies.

Lisa shutup your an idiot. No film critic, with the exception of me, writes for a "smart" reader, nobody gives a shit what a film critic says, theyre generally the completer opposite opinions of what the general public like (normally most things I post on this blog are total bullshit but this one is true.) I do go into a movie with an "open" mind whatever the fuck that means, although if I go in expecting to see a comedy and it's not funny, then yeah I am going to be ticked off. What the fuck does "Authoritive syntheses and analysis" mean? Your number 5 is bullshit, I don't need some asshole telling me to watch tv and then go exercise what the fuck kind of tip is that.

These 2 reviewers are totally full of shit, I could bullshit 100 times better bullshit than these fuckers. Just because they have some title as "Film Critic" doesn't mean dick, I have the title "Film Critic" so my tips are fucking solid. Here are my 5 tips for "budding film critics."

1. If the movie sucks in the first thirty minutes ask for a refund, I have had to exercise this move a couple of times, once when I was roped into a Van Damme movie, god it was awful

2. The most important aspect to all movies is not the story, the special effects, or anything else that critics bullshit about so much, it is the characters and their beleivability (Acting). Mr Miyagi is one beleivable Okinawan dude, and Daniel Laruso is myself at 15, Johnny was a dick, and John Kreese was a fucking whack job who was just misunderstood. That is why Karate Kid is a great fucking movie. That is also why the New Karate Kid can never compete, could you imagine a remake of It's a Wonderful Life without Jimmy Stewart, fuck you Jackie Chan.

3. I agree with that fuckface liberal asshole Owen, that your opinion is the most important, that's why ignore all critics except mine of course which is the one true movie review language. Anytime anyone tells you "you will love it, its the best movie ever" they are always wrong, the movie sucks and my attitude towards the person who recommended such a shitty movie is "Don't ever talk to me again."

4. Don't bring 40's to the theater, it just doesn't work well.

5. Anything that stars Tim Allen or Robin Williams sucks ..... that is a fact.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Karate Kid Boycott success

We can declare victory. The official KARATE KID BOYCOTT has been so successful that the movie is being taken out of theaters. I guess if we keep this up, there will be no versions of the Karate Kid in any theater in about a month.

As my favorite George Bush Banner states "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED"

Take that Jackie Chan and Will Smith.

Keep up the good work.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Brannan Island SRA

I recently went to Brannan island state recreation area just north of Antioch, CA. Let me tell you it sucked bad. I paid $30 for a campsite. When I got to the campground it was everything wrong with camping.

For one there were 120 sites in a very small area, I never will understand why anyone thinks its fun to go camping when there are more people in the vicinity of the campground then there would be near your home, I estimate at a campground of 120 spots there is approximately 720 people. Camping to me is getting away from people and getting out in nature.

Two there was traffic everyhwhere, I have small children and I constantly had to watch out for them, of course the campsite is in the middle of a maze of several roads, how camping next to a bunch of roads has anything to do with roughing it, is beyond me. I have small children and we can't exactly backpack into the wilderness, but pulling up throwing out a tent right next to the road is pointless.

Third reason why camping at Brannan Island sucks, there was no scenery, our campsite was in a mowed grass with not a tree around, it being a very hot and sunny day there was no shade whatsoever, of course the neighbors on both sides who were both about 6yards away had one tree each in their campsite. Brannan Island is the only campground that assigns you a campsite number, so moving wasn't an option.

Four I have been to many campgrounds and I have never seen so many fucking hillbillies in my life. There was literally a group that bought a flag of Nascar and had it put up to fly high. The people next to my campsite were a bunch of fat fucking pigs. Then the other groups of people looked like they were just at the campground because they could smoke meth in peace. I know I may be a hillbilly myself but that doesn't mean I have to enjoy being around "my people" when I go camping. Nascar flag means no fucking sleep for anyone around.

Five, There was no place for my kids to play around unless we drove to another part of the park, I got neighbors right next to us, Roads surrounding us, so literally our campsite is about 30 squaure yards, with traffic and hillbiillies in all directions. This is actually a summary of previous notes, but it did suck a lot.

Six, $30 for fucking what. California camping rates cost as much as a motel 6 room. What service do they fucking provide, I guess they cut the grass provide a fire ring, porta potties, and pick up the trash. Considering state and local taxes paid for the implementation and construction of the roads, fire rings, and picnic tables, I really don't understand why they need to collect $30 for maintenance cost. At full capacity this place could generate $3600 in a night, I am pretty sure that could pay for the lawn mower, garbage collection, port a potty cleanup, and to pay for a host to make sure campers are following the rules. Even at 25% capacity at 30 days in a month which is very conservative that is $27,000 a month. My guess is the majority of the money goes to paying the two full time people collecting it at the front gate, which is really bullshit unless your the 2 full time employees. They also charge a day use fee to people who aren't camping so the whole park is a money maker to the people who work for the state. I should have asked them how much they make, I bet since their state employees porbably 100k without including benefits.

All in all, after an hour there I packed up my tent, got a refund and said fuck this, and went back to my house. WE camped in the backyard with a bunch of food, fire wood, smores, and drinks, which ended up costing exactly $30.01. I paid a penny more than camping and actually had somehting of value. FUCK YOU BRANNAn INSLAND STATE RECREATION AREA.